Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So much Jack, so little girl.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
