We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Randomize
