Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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