I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
