we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
