remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
