the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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