I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
