It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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