Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
