i think my mom watched the whole time
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
