It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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