someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
