In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
