I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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