Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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