I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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