Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
