At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
