the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
