literally had 100 drinks last night.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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