The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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