I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
