I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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