If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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