I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Cover your peen. We're going out.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
