if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
