I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
