As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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