Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
