I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
