I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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