Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
