If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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