I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
