At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
