he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
