the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
