I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
