I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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