Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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