If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
