I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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