Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
