I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
