My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
