had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i came on her dog
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
