Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize