My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
