Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
