I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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