so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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