I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
