I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Drunk is not a location!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
