She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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