Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
