he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
