I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
