You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
