last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
