But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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