So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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