I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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